ADRIENNE MATTHEWS
From monthly support meetings to the international Wave of Light, Sands Marlborough helps families remember their babies and find understanding.
The death of a baby is a loss few families ever imagine having to face, but for those who do, knowing there is somewhere to turn can make an enormous difference.
Sands Marlborough is part of the national Sands network, supporting anyone affected by the death of a baby before, during or shortly after birth. Its support extends beyond parents to grandparents, siblings, wider family and friends, and is offered regardless of the circumstances, age or gestation of the baby.
For one Mum, Debbie, discovering Sands came many years after the death of her first baby, Joshua Eli. By then she had lived with her grief for decades, without the kind of support now available to parents experiencing the loss of a baby.
It was through a work colleague, Sandra Remick-Sangster, who was involved with Sands after losing her twin boys Mason and Cole, that Debbie was encouraged to attend a meeting.
Going along was a big step, but one she remains enormously grateful she took. “I felt so supported at the meetings and finally felt that I had some sort of healing, more than I ever had before,” she says.
What mattered most was being among people who understood without needing lengthy explanations. Everyone’s experience was different, but they shared an understanding of what it meant to lose a much-loved baby.
“It was a real safe place. Everyone knew each other’s babies’ names and we spoke their names,” she says.
Sands also helped Debbie in practical ways. Through Sandra, she discovered she could obtain Joshua’s birth certificate, something she had never known was possible. When it arrived in 2015, she framed it and placed it alongside photographs of his siblings.
“For me it was a physical validation that I had gone through 41 plus weeks of pregnancy, I did give birth and my son had existed.”
Through Sands she also learned about remembrance opportunities, attended a national conference and discovered services such as Huggable Hearts, which creates weighted hearts representing a baby’s birth weight. Each experience, Debbie says, contributed in some way to healing.
For families facing the loss of a baby today, she has no hesitation in encouraging them to contact Sands. “They just understand. They don’t put pressure on you and they’ll support you in any way they can. I just can’t state enough how important Sands has been for my healing.”
Sands Marlborough has become increasingly active over the past year, with monthly support meetings now held on the last Wednesday of each month from 6pm to 8pm at Cloudy Bay Funerals. The meetings are open to bereaved parents and extended family, with couples regularly attending together.
Sandra, who lost Mason and Cole in 2008, first received support from Sands herself before later becoming a trained support person. She says there is now more awareness within the community and a greater willingness to talk openly about baby loss.
Sands has also been continuing to build its relationship with health professionals, meeting with midwives and providing memory baskets and hand-and-footprint kits for bereaved families. The baskets contain items such as photo frames, teddy bears, baby clothing or wraps and information about remembrance options and the support available.
October brings special opportunities for families to remember their babies as Sands joins organisations internationally in marking Baby Loss Awareness Week from 9-15 October.
On Sunday, 11 October, Sands Marlborough will hold its second annual remembrance walk, meeting at the Cloudy Bay car park at 2pm before walking beside the Taylor River.
The informal nature of the walk means people can simply join in, reflect and meet others without feeling any pressure to talk.
The week culminates on 15 October with the Global Wave of Light, when people around the world light candles at 7pm in their own time zone in memory of babies who have died. Because New Zealand is among the first countries in the world to reach that time, families here are among the first to light their candles, beginning a symbolic wave of light that travels around the globe.
In Marlborough, Sands will mark the occasion with a special remembrance service at Cloudy Bay Funerals. Families can speak their babies’ names, read a poem or memory and bring photographs if they wish. Those attending can then light their own small candle in memory of their baby before gathering for refreshments afterwards.
As Sandra well knows, the loss of a baby never goes away. “We want every parent or family member who has experienced the loss of a baby, no matter what their ages or how long ago, to know that they can come to us for support and love and to help them honour the memory of their precious child.”.
